I read therefore I write

The air shifts differently when you're wearing luxurious items and getting out of a luxurious car. I call it aura. But I think that might not be it. Perhaps, when people feel inferior to you, they start breathing differently. Or when they like you. Or when you're standing too close to someone from a different gender than you in the LRT. Perhaps, their body starts to exude more heat than usual and secrete more sweat than before. Maybe that's the reason you sense a shift in the air. Maybe. Just maybe.

Currently listening to Halsey - Room93 Full EP

Among the things that I aim to happen is to be able to feel. Inspiration isn’t something that you can call whenever. It requires invitation. And apparently, you’d have to wait for him to respond. 

Have I slept too much that I no longer want to sleep?

Perhaps, not being afraid that I will be making a fool of myself would be a good start to do away with what I am currently feeling.

You seem to write extremely well when you’re convinced no one is judging and if there’s any, they are not whose opinion mattered to you.

Looking at it in a new angle,

it is not material that I lack. It is courage.

Nikmat Lapar

Bila perut bunyi, kosong, penuh angin.
Baru terasa merdunya bunyi plastik yang bergesek.
Manisnya hirup air coklat suam yang lemak.
Kunyah, telan ayam goreng garing.
Sesuap penuh nasi berlaga dalam mulut, bergusti dengan lidah, dilenyek ketap gigi.

Semua cuma boleh rasa sedap dan nikmat yang amat.
Saat kau betul-betul lapar.

Sama jugak kasih sayang.
Masa kau tengah sunyi, sedih, haru, tak keruan.
Ada orang tanya khabar.

"Tak sihat ke?"

Manis rasa.

Burrppp~
Kenyang dah.
Alhamdulillah.

Suatu Pernah

bibit ayat yang aku baca
nama yang tak pernah aku lupa
kini jumpa

nasib...ingat dah tak ada.

kadang kagum kita pada satu-satu individu akan jadi inspirasi dia.
bila hari-hari dia rasa macam satu dunia tak suka.

maka seratus mata aku hadiah untuk puisi yang pernah aku baca di ruang komen Fynn Jamal.
bertahun dulu dan terus jatuh cinta.

bukan pada orang
pada tulisan dia.

Kalaulah, dalam alternate universe, tiba-tiba terjumpa entri ni dek tuannya,

Nak pesan satu je.

Tulislah buku. Saya beli. Janji.

Pabila dipanah petir cinta..
Tubuh bagai direnjat voltan berjuta nilainya..
Tubuh tidak seksa, tidak lecur..
Walhal arus tidak henti-henti menziarah aku dari segala arah..

Ya, nadi hampir berhenti..
Kerana tidak percaya wujudnya cinta sebegini agung..

"Wahai petir, panahlah aku jangan berhenti!"

oleh Ahpeng Mohamad

Angst

They say,

you're only looking for yourself when you were a teen.

Fact is,

we're all still trying to.

Excuses

It seems that I'm really good at this.

Giving excuses.

I actually learned to do it pretty early in the course of my 21 years of life.

It gets you out of trouble.

But lately, I found that I kept on making up excuses

for myself.

For my bad character.

"I'm in a bad mood. That's why I'm freaking grumpy all the time"

"It's my period"

"I don't like to socialise. It drains my energy"

So on and so forth.

It's getting worse, still.

And looking at it from a different point of view,

I am honestly ashamed.

Making excuses for yourself doesn't justify your wrongdoings.

Fact is, you did it and it's wrong no matter how you look at it.

So now, please.

Stop making excuses and own up to your mistakes.

May time mould you into a better person.

Minda Separa Sedar

Aku sangat percaya pada subconscious aku.

Buku yang aku pilih,

gut feeling yang aku rasa bila nak buat sesuatu keputusan,

tak sedap hati yang datang dengan barang yang aku tertinggal,

malah aura yang aku rasa bila aku cakap dengan manusia.

Aku percaya yang subconscious aku pandai baca micro expression tanpa aku sedar pun.

and even pick up the minor details that I wasn't paying attention to.

Process

and give me a strong urge to come to a certain judgement.

Aku memang macam tu.

Always have been, always will be.

Nak tanya ni

Kebaikan yang susah payah kau kumpul.

Kau bakar macam tu je.

Hilang dalam sekelip mata.

Seronok ke?

Tandas

Kenapa idea yang bernas

Selalu datang cuma bila kau dalam

tandas?

Desperate

Aku yang sedang cemas, lemas
Dengan segenap kudrat berusaha untuk tak tenggelam
Ditelan laut yang dalam.

Terpandang aku kiri dan kanan
Rakan-rakan
Terapung nyaman
Tanpa menggunakan apa-apa kekerasan
Cuma dibiar kuasa laut
Mengapungkan badan, dibiar hanyut.

Dan masih,
Aku cuba berenang, terdesak untuk menyelamatkan diri.

Chikara

Kalau kau nak kekuatan yang kekal,

Makanya janganlah cari kekuatan pada benda yang sementara.

Exams

Finals gives me some of the most complicated feelings I will ever feel my whole life.

It's a nerve wrecking experience yet the most liberating experience at the same time.

I am guilty of so many ways of procrastinating during the exam period.

You get so nervous when the date of your paper is getting near but then you never do anything much about it. And just about few hours before, you'd start to go at it like a madman tangling yourself in a web of information until you can't really tell which is which.

In the hall, you frantically write out everything you can possibly remember until your hand hurts and you fingers are at the edge of bleeding.

Stand up, get out of the hall 30 minutes before the time limit and just feel.....free.

God, sometimes I swear that I'm addicted to this feeling.

When I'm just at home, minding my own business, being not...busy. I just miss school so much.

I'm not sure if there's anyone around that actually love finals like I do.

Yellow

Yellow is my favourite colour.

and....

my favorite crush.

lol.

I find it extremely adorable when I found him commenting on my blog when he never even followed me on blogger nor Google+.

and...

How he never followed my Instagram but liked one of my pictures.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Awak stalk saya ye....

Ahaks. :p

Thinking Too Much

I hate it when I drown in my own thoughts.

They're extremely dangerous.

It makes you lose track of time and frankly, lose track of reality too.

There's two separate realities if I dwell too much into my imagination. The one's that are in my head and the one's that I woke up to everyday.

Though unreal, the reality in my head is far more exhausting to be in. And as much as I hate for it to be so, it is apparently the dominant one at the moment.

Whatever happens in my real life, will affect my thoughts hence, the facade of a reality in my brain would morph into something else. More so, something bad.

I might sound like a mental case now. I guess, the only way to shut it down is to be in the 'now' more so I wouldn't lose grip of what's real and what's not.

Thinking too much isn't healthy.

Never have been, never will be.

Growing up

I find it much easier to simply delete everything now.

I used to be so attached to my blogs. The countless secret ones. The public ones. This account and that account. All by which pretty much uses the same passwords so I don't forget.

But lately, I find it much much easier to just click that Delete Account button.

No matter how much memory it holds.

No matter how much I would probably smile when looking back at those cringeworthy posts.

I decided. If it's going to be a liability when I am in the hereafter or perhaps even in this world itself (where interviewers does research on you by googling your name) , it is better deleted. Permanently.

So, I guess...

I'm growing up?

Change is good.

And I'm learning that it doesn't happen overnight too.

It takes years and years of practice.

Which leads to another thing.

I am contemplating about starting a Youtube channel.

Just audio logs.

In English.

For the sake of practicing.

Perhaps a bit of Japanese too?

And Arabic if it ever comes to that. Because I do want to be fluent in all these languages.

Ah, whatever it is.

They're still in the planning process.

So, don't put your hopes up.

I still have other things to settle.

Till we meet again.

Grammar Nazi

I admit. I cringe everytime I see a grammatical error.

Even if it comes from my own blog posts, assignments or what not.

Just now, my friend posted a speech he's going to perform on Instagram.

And my first reaction was,

Come and give me that piece of paper and let me correct it for you.

I commented on the photo, demanding him to email me the soft copy.

It irks me sooooo bad.

But upon asking him for the soft copy through Whatsapp,

I am now feeling like a total jerk.

But it must be done.

Just.

Cant.

Stand.

It.

Sigh~

Uncle K

I've never yet had the motivation to write about what happened in Cambodia. But being in bed and sick made me miss this one particular Uncle that were with us as volunteers over there.

He is called Uncle K. Literally.

So, I have no idea why, but he adores me greatly.

I didn't notice it at first. When we were doing preparations for the trip, he remembered my name and often cared if whether I have eaten yet or what not. He is always always with a video cam in his hand. And recording us volunteers, he often calls my name to make me look at the camera.

Whenever I did something good, he praises me like I've did something incredible. Like when  I was assigned to cleanup the place where they slaughter the cows, he goes on and on about how great I'm doing and why this is the reason he adored me.

It was strange. I felt awkward honestly. But you learn to get used to it.

Almost every morning, this Uncle K would make me whatever drink I want. If I wanted a mineral water, he'd open it up for me. If I wanted a chocolate drink, he'd go ahead and make it for me.

It was comfortable. Until people start talking about us.

See, Uncle K isn't married yet. But he is the age of my father. And though he is a bit on the good looking side, he still is the age of my father.

He gave me money one day, when I wanted to borrow 2usd to buy some prepaid Cambodian number. I wanted 2usd, but he gave me almost 20usd.

Next is when I wanted to buy something but haven't changed the Malaysian money to usd yet. So, I asked him to lend me about 10usd. As always, generously, he gave me 20usd and told me to keep it.

I was baffled but I went on anyway. Because, well, I'll pay him later.

When we finished our shopping spree, I saw Uncle K around the Central Market and said hi. He asked me what I bought and what not, then we small talk. He then looked at my plastic bag and insisted greatly on holding it for me.

I refused a lot of times until I finally gave in. It WAS heavy anyway.

Up till now, though he asked for my number, he never called to ask about how I'm doing. Unlike some other Auntie who said she misses my voice and called. She even went so far as to ask someone else my phone number.

And now that I'm in bed, feeling feverish and just sick, I miss being treated so caringly by Uncle K.

It gets to a point where I wonder all alone, in my bed, staring at the ceiling.

If you know that someone is going to treat you right, why does age matters when it comes to marriage?

Careful what you wish for

If you're not afraid of God, then that's your problem.

I am.

Which is why I can't say things as I please.

For all on me is His.

I don't care what you think anymore.

You'll realize someday.

Faith is not something stupid.

God?

It is actually quite obvious how insecure and guarded I am by the way I always put my bag on my lap when I sit down regardless if there is or isn't any table in front of me.

I admit that I am not a very good pious Muslim. But I hold my religon very dearly to myself.

I once had a debate with someone regarding faith. I've actually been through this debate with myself but back then, I was very accepting to the facts I presented and researced while this person I debated with was not.

He tried to convince me that religon is man made. Something that people use to simply seek comfort.

Even when I brought up the debate I heard a while ago in which, if there is no God, then there will also be no morals, he refuses to agree. It's a bit ignorant not to consider that because for each person, what makes them feel good are different. One might feel good killing while some others might feel good helping. If there is no God in which also means there's no ground rules, then who are we to say that hurting someone else is wrong?

Plus, he presented an argument saying that human are narcisisstic to believe that they live for a purpose. He said that we exist by mere chance and that there is no purpose at all.

By then I had realized that arguing with him was somewhat pointless based on the fact that he believes that we are on top of the food chain (as he put it) was because we learned to eat everything else.

I mean, come on! We can freaking write books and share imaginations with other people. We can think and create rollercoasters that challenges the law of gravity. We can learn multiple languages at once and communicate through our fingers! How on earth can you NOT think that we are special and put us at the same level with apes?

If we evolved into such excellence, then why is there still apes around? If they were our brothers, then why haven't we save them but instead use them for entertainment? If we really did evolve from apes, and our minds have reached the level of making buildings and coming up with our own recipes, shouldn't the apes have at least learn how to  write by now? Or at least speak english.

It's funny how atheists consider the people of faith as closed minded and just very traditional. Charles Darwin made a theory. Theories are not facts. They are meant to be challenged.

Now lastly, his question was, why Islam?

Well, have you ever come across history where they burn books and prohibited schools so that people will be dumb enough to just follow and not even for a second question their authority?

That my friend, is the act of people who are in the wrong.

But then, the Quran itself challenges their readers to 'put it to the test'. If you don't believe the words of this book is divine, then put it to the test. Moreover, it repeatedly tell us to THINK. Use your brain, your mind. Use it. Think. You will come across a lot of verses asking 'did you not think' or 'these are all signs for those who think'.

Did the Quran tells us to just follow and not think? No. It tells us to be intelligent. To question. To seek truth.

If they are man made words, then wouldn't the alleged author be worried if he was found to be lying this whole time after claiming the words were divine? Believe me, if that was man made, he wouldn't dare to challenge the reader to put those words to the test and summon them to use their minds.

I for one, am full of question marks. But one thing I am certain of is that, God exists. And that we are NOT created in vain.

Period.

Compliments

I don't particularly enjoy praises. I have no idea how to handle them. I blush, I get mad or I just become plain awkward.

I'd feel much much more comfortable if people can just tell me whatever praises they have in mind through their eyes and body language.

But then , somehow the boss in my part time workplace just makes me happy (though awkward) when she stares, smile and tells me I'm pretty almost everyday.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel awfully shy and awkward when it happens. That's never going to change.

However, when I work, I couldn't care less how I look like. I sweat, my face gets all oily and my hijab wont look as perfect. From Monday to Thursday I work and there are definitely days where I look like hell. Plus, I'm not exactly skinny. Am quite chubby too. Which is why her telling me I'm pretty despite all those things makes me feel like sunshine.

Alhamdulillah. Praise Allah for everything.

Today is a happy day. And quite frankly, I love working a bit more than studying.

:)